crossing the threshold
She lay so still, so quiet, in a far away place, eyes open, unseeing, breathing slow, the last breaths of a long count, nearly 23 years completed.
At the last moment she roused herself and called to me, i cradled my hands around her.
Daughter of Radiance
i whispered
She relaxed into them
do not be afraid
Her eyes were full of light, an intensity of awareness, her courageous spirit shining. Eyes to eyes we held each other, shudders, spasms; four.
The light left.
I kissed her heart,
i love you,
i love you,
you will always be in my heart.
As i held her, kneeling beside the bed, the sound which had been a crackling static for days began to diminish until finally the pulse/energy which connected the universe to that corner which was Zamma stopped.
Silence
It is a rare blessing to find such comfort and ease with another. Day in, day out. Simple. Love that comes from the heart dissolves boundaries. Differences like age and specie know no boundary for love that is of the heart.
I have only thanks, some tears, they will pass, it has been an infinite gift.
The bobcats came in the night made a circle of paw prints and a roughed-up place in it’s center. I do not know what it means. But i figure you do.
Daughter of Radiance find your place among the stars.
I wasn’t expecting to weep this afternoon. I’ve wondered how Zamma was getting along. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Your words for her are so Beautiful. She must have been an amazing Soul.
Comment made on May 16, 2008 @ 12:53 pm
Lynda, thank you, yes, Zamma is an amazing soul.
Comment made on May 17, 2008 @ 8:09 am
and something else..
Zamma and now Ulli-Maki who moved in with us last year both grew up in the wild with the feral clan. They were full grown before making home with me. This tribe of cats is not like the feral cats of the city, these have lived for many generations on the rocky ridges reclaiming a habitat that once belonged to a small native California cat which looked much like Zamma.
I have lived with and loved cats my whole life. Knowing these and a couple of others from the mountain, I have come to wonder if domestic cats might not be similar to what humans would be like if raised by wolves. The smallest way to say it is, these cats are very different -seem more whole.
Comment made on May 17, 2008 @ 8:46 am
{{{{Ellen}}}}
Tears come to my eyes reading this. We know they are leaving but it still hurts. Zamma did arrange for Ulli-Maki to keep you company in her absence but I know you both will miss your desert queen.
Comment made on May 18, 2008 @ 6:54 pm
thanks dear Neith my sister of the eastside.
Comment made on May 18, 2008 @ 8:00 pm
It is possible to keep a soul connection across the boundary of energy/matter. It’s not the same as having the physical presence for comfort, but it is a connection nonetheless, and I know that you will continue to sense it and to benefit from it. Zamma may be able to give you even greater gifts from where she is now, whether directly or through Cat, which permeates the space where you live.
But of course I am still sorry for your great loss. Wishing you much love and strength of heart.
Comment made on May 18, 2008 @ 9:29 pm
Hej pat, Thanks for your thoughts. True the thread still ties us. The Sami say we merely take off our coat. And i have a sense of this too. We have been awaiting and preparing for this crossing for a long time- since November. It was stunning for it’s grace. We are well. Ulli and I were both with Zamma when she died. We will miss her in our day to day. Zamma and her exploits (she was a local legend) will bring us many smiles in remembrance. I wait to see what comes next from this remarkable connection.
Comment made on May 18, 2008 @ 11:07 pm
I would have been by sooner to express my condolences, but something here keeps crashing my browser. I’m on another computer at the moment and wanted to leave a note.
I’ve given my little fur girl an extra cuddle in honor of Zamma’s passing, and she responded by licking my nose, as she often does. I’ve seen many pets come and go in my relatively short life and it always hurts even when we know it’s just, as you said, a matter of taking off our coat.
Best of wishes to you!
)
Comment made on May 19, 2008 @ 11:46 am
Thank you Joe. and to your precious princess.
Comment made on May 19, 2008 @ 12:40 pm
Good Morning. I’ve been thinking about you and hope all is Peaceful.
I had no idea that feral cats would decide to adopt humans. I thought they would to stay in the wild. I would be very interested if you would expand on how this wild clan is different.
I too have cats who’ve adopted me, and visa-versa. Right now two are living with me, and two more are living on the premises. I don’t know if the premises cats were abandoned or if they decided to change house holds. They still won’t let me get near them even though I talk to them and let them know how beautiful they are. And then of course there are the neighborhood cats who drop by for a little snack and hang out for awhile.
Anyway, all good thoughts to you.
Comment made on May 21, 2008 @ 8:58 am
Ah another cat lover.
I’m charmed.
I was surprised too that a wild cat would choose this life. Ulli-Maki lived on the property for many months before moving in. He came down from the mountain every morning, we could see his white blaze far away coming through the brush at dawn. He would stay all day watching us then return to the rocks at night. After some months he started living on the roof and the returns to the mountain were fewer. He didn’t ask for anything. He and Zamma would communicate. One night he turned up at the door, Zamma went to it and asked me to open it. Ulli-Maki walked in. She led him immediately to her food dish. She trained him to the ways of life with humans but not much was needed since he had been observing us for so long.
This story compares fairly closely to the experience of others around here who have had wild cats move in - I know two other women this has happened to.
The differences are mainly in how they communicate, how at ease they are in the wild (i live on the edge of thousands of square miles of wilderness) and with me. They are exceptionally gentle and polite. This gentleness is so unexpected. They have complete control over use of their claws for example and never use them on me but are amazing hunters. There is an attunement with the environment, a keen awareness of what is going on, they listen to all the other animals, the blue jay as sentry alerts them and they watch for the hawk to arrive or snake. They are fierce protectors of place and each other and even me the lowly canopener.
We would have fun, you and i, over a cup a tea with stories of our cat friends.
Comment made on May 23, 2008 @ 8:38 am
what a wonderful memorial for Zamma!
I too, hope your bobcats continue to respect your pussycats.
Comment made on May 24, 2008 @ 9:51 pm
Thank you Mimi, fellow cat lover.
Comment made on May 24, 2008 @ 9:59 pm
Oh-My, thousands of miles of wilderness as your neighborhood. Certainly sounds like Heaven to me. I live in a city surrounded by cotton fields, semi-arid country that was medium to short grass prairie before cultivation. When the wind blows, which it does often, because of the cultivation the dirt blows. Brown Sky days I call them. I would prefer to be sitting at your table with a cup of tea.
Thank you for the information about the feral cats. Very interesting. I’m surprised at the gentleness too. And the politeness. Have you posted a picture of Ulli-Maki? My Bell is very polite and gentle, my Stanley is a WHINER.
Comment made on May 27, 2008 @ 2:17 pm
Hi Ellen, I didn’t expect the tears either, but they came. Zamma was so beautiful in that desert light….and I have myself watched the light go out in the eyes of my animals, mostly my chow chows. But now I feed feral cats myself, not to mention the raccoons who clean up the cats’ left overs every night. And two ferals who lived behind my apt. now sleep on my bed, the little black and white tuxedos who finally have a soft bed and have learned to tolerate (and sometimes demand) my attention.
I love the story of how Ulli-Maki came to town and how Zamma led him to her food dish….Bosco and Cookie, who were together when I moved here, look out for each other also, and talk to each other in their yowls and purrs.
Comment made on June 5, 2008 @ 12:20 pm
Thank you my dear friend
Comment made on June 5, 2008 @ 1:07 pm